A healing letter

 A healing letter

I miss you so much. 

Its been a long time and something about me still cant let go.

Feels like my cells, my blood, my mind is just so impregnated with you still.

The season is here and i feel this ache, this immense fear, this memory that hurts like a knife in my heart. i dont know if ive payed already, if its been enough, if theres still a debt i have to punish myself for, cause its been hard, hearing from you, the old photographs, and i so much still wish that those memories brought me joy and happiness but they are killing me slowly, year after year.

Perphaps i wanted to know what death was like, and here it tis, heres the pain everyone fears, this pain that never heals, that never truly goes away. This pain that haunts me and that plays with me in a cruel way, this pain that never fades and that is never forgiven nor forgotten.

I dont even have a place to cry for you, i dont have a mausoleum, i dont have a corner to cry all i wanted to, so i hide at night, when i remember you hug, and there i cry a little bit, wishing ive cried all i have left of pain, but theres always a bit more there.

i wish i could go visit your grave to talk to you, to tell you how life has been lately, to tell you how much has changed and how much im still fighting since you left, but i dont have a place for you, for us.

i know you see me, you are with me, but my human mind need a place to let it all out.

I remember how you used to take care of me, everyday and everynight, suddenly the darkness is a threat, that scares me and intimidates me, suddenly, i have ti do all these thing to cope with the night when it falls, i wish you were here to protect me like you used to, no matter what, who, where, you were always there to heal my tears, my fears, my battles, i cant do this without you.

The world has turned darker, im so glad you dont know any of this, you dont fear any of this cause it has become a major danger, it already was a cruel place baby i know, but now its just worse.

Going out is a threat, being around people too, and you know isolation is a really big monster, you and i know that very well.

I know you would like me to heal, but i cant, ive hurt myself in so many ways, said goobdye to this world so many times, died a thousand more, and you just seemed to make everything easier, happier, safer somehow with your green aura you could heal me, i need you.

I still think that it's more painful to die alive than to really just die.

i want you to know all of this, hear me out, listen to me, cause im sorry.

Im sorry things went down that way, i wish it hadnt been me, i did it because i wanted to save you from all this pain, fear, anger, confusion, perhaps i made a mistake, butif i did i payed for it all already, with these years of illness, tell me please i have.

I miss being with you and cry by your side, i miss when you listened to all my stupid problems, i miss your love and care.

i went out try to find for a replacement for you but theres no one there like you, no one heals me like you used to and i so afraid and i dont want to live ill no more.

its killing me, im sorry.

i need your strength to move on, i need to stand up and perhaps fight but  i dont want to do it it without you.I have to anyways, i know, but wheres the strength to do it, i wish i was as brave as you were, i wish i had learned that from you but, what i did learned was to love, cause i thougt i couldnt, people around me dont really think i can love truly, but i know i can and even when they see me cold and bleak, deeo inside me i know i can love, inconditionally  like you taught me. When im afraid and have to face things, i know im a survivor and i know i have to be strong like you used to be always.

They all really miss you too.

My dad cried the day you died, I had never seen him cry before.

You know, Adrianni is such a sweet teddy bear, how i wish you had known him and played with him, he would have loved you so much.

My body went into bioshock the day you passed away, i dont have a doubt about that, my cells are fighting for me to never live a day like that again, they make me so ill i cant even wake up normally, i just open my eyes and the program starts running, saying be afraid, be very afraid cause a day like that might repeat soon. And i know my body is trying to protect me, so does my mind but its the most stupid way ever, i guess im not as smart as you were.

I read writing a letter would help with the healing, and here i am, 5 years later, trying to heal your loss. How could ive gone so long, for so many years, believing i had cried enough, without knowing all the things i had still left to tell you. Here it is, you know Cinthia just entered college, its crazy right? she so tall like you were, you would be shocked to see her now. A lot of people passed away from our family, like things are just happening at a different pace, so fast.

Nothing has ever hurt me like you goodbye, i hope nothing will ever hurt like that cause i guess im not that great at healing.

Mom brought me a charm bracelet a couple years ago,it has one single charm, a ghost, like you are now, always with me wherever i go, that how I wanna remember you, with joy and love, not with pain and suffering.

Grandma used to say theres pain that never heals, and if thats the case, fine, ill deal with it, but not this way anymore, because this is taking away my life, my joy, my health, and i know you would want to see me happy too.

i know you would wanna see me succeed and be happy, and im trying, i swear i am.

I will fight till the day i can see you again, not because i made it but because God decided it was time. I cant go against his plans, even though im dying to be with you again, i promised i couldnt do that to our family, even though sometimes i think they would be better off without me.

ill wait, as long as i have to wait, to reunite with you, i know we will play a lot, we will be together forever, till then, we will remain pay pals, best friends, family, no matter when i be r what happens, we will always be in each others hearts forever.

I see your signals aways, and cry to the songs that remind me of you, but i will let you go, for myself and for you too. You are probably an angel now, that has stuff to do, or maybe you decided to come down here to Earth again, to help heal others or to experience human life again, no matter what you're doing now, were connected now, our bond is so strong that thats the reason why it hurts so much maybe, but now its going to give me intense joy cause i know youll be fine.

I know you forgave me that same day, its myself i couldn't forgive till this day, where i see all the teaching you left me and your love is still in me like blessed water saving me everytime im afraid.

i hope i also taught you things, i hope you also remember the times we spent together with joy. We spend amazing autumns as well, this season could be also joyful cause i know you are near me but, painless, without any cold or fear.

You were one of the really few friends i had, thanks for teaching me about friendship, im loyal to you forever.

i feel lonely at times, but then i remember all we used to do, how we couldnt be apart not even at night and we slept together. Our bond is indestructible, hard like onix, we will never be alone ever again since we found each other.

I love you, like i never loved anyone, thanks friend, thanks baby.

i will always love you, i will always have you in my heart till the day i get to see you again, go do your work, as an angel i think you might be busy, save your love for me, i know ill save mine too.

Heal others, like you healed me, teach them like you taught me, love them like you loved me, i know i will never stop loving you baby.

See you soon, love, Lorien